Greatest line to ever be uttered on television. OLD MAN: Those bastards! The fourth time I�ve been here. And I still can'�t get that colostomy bag to fit!

I nearly choked on my own sip of water when I heard this last night. Unfuckingbelievable.

FROM:
Curb Your Enthusiasm - Season 3 - Episode: The Surrogate
First aired: February 22, 2004  ¶ 1:22 PM 3 comments

  It's not the shoes, Mars. Or the uniforms. Hey Detroit, you can change your uniforms all you want, but changing your team's ultimate suckitude is going to take a lot more than these Carolina Pahther-like unis. Seriousy, I was watching you get pummeled by St. Louis last night and was getting pretty worried that my backup fantasy QB, Jake Delhomme, was looking pretty bad out there. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn't Delhomme at all but assmaster Joey Harrington. Whew. What a load off my mind that was.

So Detroit, while we here at TUGCO applaud your desires to change yourselves, we just think you need to start with team personel and coaching. Changing your shirts isn't going to help.

On the bright side, once you're out of the playoff race, maybe Carolina will take 'em off your hands for their stretch run. That's putting a positive spin on it, huh?
  ¶ 8:48 AM 4 comments

  Counselors at SageWalk Did Jada a disservice. I'll admit, I got hooked on ABC's "Brat Camp" from the first moment I saw the first trailer. I watched all the episodes with my wife and really began to root for the kids. Save one. Yep, Jada. Another brick in the wall of a long line of reality show bad girls, Jada was simply a joy to watch. Now, it's easy to call me crass and unfeeling, she is after all, a 15-year old child, but I cannot feel sorry for her.

She continually bad mouthed the people who were trying to help her. She continually made fun of her fellow SageWalkers. And, worst of all, she looked into the camera during one of her interviews and told the world that her parents are "such suckers." Ha ha, you little bitch. You can rot out there in the Oregon desert for all I care. (I can't figure out why SageWalk didn't show her parents that clip when Jada was begging to come home. That might have sealed her fate.) And thought I hate to say it, I think this girl might be a total loss. I mean, she never even realized why she was there, she never tried to be a part of the group, hell, she never even stopped lying.

And frankly, when they counselors decided to graduate her at the end of the program, they did her a huge disservice. She simply wasn't ready. I'll tell you, they should have kept her out there for antother 60, 120, 180 days. Maybe, just maybe, she would have finally reailzed her parents were serious about her getting better.

Except, unfortunately, they weren't serious. During her time at SageWalk, they continually called and cried and begged and pleaded with the counselors that Jada was "dying out there." (She wasn't.) And that's the crime of the whole thing. Her parents are absolute idiots. She's been playing them for years, and continues to do so, and it's not really her fault. It's theirs.

And after all this they, incredibly, continue to believe every single lie she tells. It's a shame. Almost as big a shame as the post mortem at the end of the show. It stated that soon after she got home, Jada got into some trouble for nearly killing a family with a runaway boat she was driving. Apparently, she had refused to go to boarding school. Wait a minute. Refused? Let me ask her moron parents this simple question: Who's the boss of Jada? From my six-week, highly edited look into her life, it appears that Jada is the boss. And what a lousy boss she is. She's actually the kind of boss that's gonna either allow herself to kill someone else, or kill herself. Seriously.

P.S. I'm gonna pitch a show to ABC called "Idiot Parent Bustdown" where parenting experts send some shitass parents through a bootcamp that teaches them how to raise decent, productive kids. Hey Jada's parents - you oughta sign up.

P.P.S. I know all about the power of editing but don't believe for a second that Jada's exploits out there were created in the Avid Suite. You can't cut together footage you don't have. It's as simple as that.
  ¶ 11:15 AM 50 comments

  Tug List for August, 2005 - Amended and Commented Tug On This reader Max disagreed with my mentioning of the Sin City DVD on my Tug List for August. After further review of said DVD, we here at TUGCO™ are inclined to agree and hertofore rescind our listing on the list. This DVD is ass. There is a 2-disc special edition coming out just in time for Christmas. Save your money or put it on your list for then.

I also need to add "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to this list. I saw it last night and must say that it was incredible. I liked it from the opening credits to the amazing Tim Burton-only scene that ends the film. I loved everything about this movie. Everything.

Also want to note that Priest Holmes still has what it takes. Tug's Stat Projection: 24 TDs and 1545 yards. (Rushing and receiving.)

That is all.  ¶ 1:15 PM 3 comments

  Tug List for August, 2005 Kansas City's New Bus Line - MAX (Metro Area Express)
Wedding Crashers
Fantasy Football
Jumping Cats
America's Funniest Home Videos
Granola Bars
The World Chill Website - Worldchill
Sin City on DVD
Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City Royals
Kansas City Wizards
Captain D's "The Big Crunch"
"And Your Bird Can Sing" by the Fabs
The Allman Brothers Band
Ben Folds rendition of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" from the City Market Show, in the pouring rain on August 13
Video Game Ratings
Madden 2006
XBOX 360
"Tales of the Otori" by Lian Hearn
Mad Eye Moody
Tailgating
Rachel McAdams
Isla Fisher
Talladega Nights
John Munson
Matt Wilson
Jake Slichter
Dan Wilson
Elaine Harris
Murphy
T-shirts with "Dysentery" in the headline  ¶ 8:52 AM 6 comments

  Truth in Advertising Well, at least you know what comes inside the box.

In LA, where else?
  ¶ 9:14 AM 4 comments

  For Worse, Definetly For Worse Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the comics, our friends at "For Better Or Worse" are back at it. Worse yet, so are our friends at "Funky Winkerbean," "Mark Trail," and "Brenda Starr."

Here are the storylines in descending order. And I do mean descending.

FBOW - Elizabeth has a stalker. (And he's stealing my BEST pick up lines! Bastard!"
Funky – Wally has stepped on a landmine in Af-ghan-i-stan. I'm wracked with laughter! (I'd be more worried about coyotes, Wally.)
Mark Trail – The wife of an business exec has decided to murder her husband's boss on camping trip. Fuh-nee! (Talk about upward mobility.)
Brenda Starr – Brenda is buried alive. Ha-ha-ha, oh ... (Yikes.)

As my friend Peter commented yesterday, what's next, beastiality on "Get Fuzzy"?
  ¶ 8:30 AM 15 comments

  Jerry Garcia: 8/1/42 - 8/9/95 I could write something about Jerry, but I'll let his dear friend, muse and partner Robert Hunter do it for me. We still miss you Jerry.

Brokedown Palace (Lyrics: Robert Hunter, Music: Jerry Garcia)

Fare you well, my honey
Fare you well, my only true one
All the birds that were singing
Are flown, except you alone

Gonna leave this brokedown palace
On my hands and my knees, I will roll, roll, roll
Make myself a bed by the waterside
In my time, in my time, I will roll, roll, roll

In a bed, in a bed
By the waterside I will lay my head
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

River gonna take me, sing me sweet and sleepy
Sing me sweet and sleepy all the way back home
It's a far gone lullaby sung many years ago
Mama, Mama, many worlds I've come since I first left home

Going home, going home
By the waterside I will rest my bones
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

Going to plant a weeping willow
On the bank's green edge it will grow, grow, grow
Singing a lullaby beside the water
Lovers come and go, the river will roll, roll, roll

Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

To see what other Heads have to say,check this out.
  ¶ 11:34 AM 3 comments

  Are we really this stupid? I guess we are, because I have seen this very sign at Quizno's, where this pic was taken, at Chipotle and at Q'doba. So, appealing to logic, I have to say that enough people have tossed their baskets into the basket that the management of the aforementioned restaurants felt it necessary to ask people to remember that the hard plastic baskets are not trash.

This is how dumb we are, I guess. And when you add these instructions to the other kinds of instructions we routinely see -- Coffee is served HOT!, Don't put your hand in the path of a running lawnmower blade etc -- I guess we really are stupid.

Or just careless. Maybe we're just careless. Maybe we didn't try to put our hand on the running blade, just near it. You know, so that we could dislodge that stick that we carelessly ran over that is now stuck between the blade and the mower deck.

I don't know man. But that sign struck me today. I mean, I've never tossed a basket at Quizno's or Chipotle, and I sincerely hope I'm not a big a moron as some of my brethren appear to be. But then again, I keep posting thoughts here on this blog that almost nobody reads. So I'm left to wonder:

If a blog posts on the web and nobody is there to read it, did it make a sound?
  ¶ 2:48 PM 3 comments